I've written a number of short sketches, but this is my first, and so far my only, full length play. Inspired by some very happy times performing with the Saint John's Players in Long Eaton, Derbyshire, it's a comedy thriller. Read, enjoy, and if you'd like to perform it, then go ahead! But please let me know about it.
CARBUNKLE HALL
A play by Paul Trembling
CHARACTERS (in order of appearance).
Eric Carbunkle.
Cecily Carbunkle.
Mildred the Maid / Donna Nuffin.
Katerina Gout.
Peter Shingles
Silas Isgolden / Ambrose Carbunkle
Scene 1: The lounge of Carbunkle Hall, a room of decayed opulence. Eric Carbunkle, a man of middle age, is staring out towards the audience, this being the front window. His wife, Cecily Carbunkle, (a few years younger) is sitting reading. She is wearing a balaclava hat. It is a night of high wind, driving rain, and occasional lightening.
EC). It was like this the night that Ambrose vanished.
CC, without looking up). It’s been five years, dear. Isn’t it time you started to put that behind you?
EC). Five years this very night, as it happens, Cecily. And it’s not so easy to put it behind me, as you suggest. After all, he was my only living relative. Shall we ever know the truth, I wonder? Shall we ever know what became of my dear cousin?
CC). Be honest, darling. You didn’t care a jot for Ambrose. It’s just that you had hoped he might save the business and restore the family fortunes.
EC). Well, what of it? After all, what is now left of the once great Carbunkles? Nothing but this mouldering old ruin.
CC). Don’t be so hard on yourself, dear.
EC, sharply). I meant the house!
CC). Of course.
EC). Do you remember how this place looked in its prime? It was magnificent in those days! We always had guests staying. Some of the greatest names in society practically begged for an invitation. And there were hordes of servants to cater to their every need. But now look at us! Just a few rooms left habitable – our only servant is poor old Mildred –and no one visits! How far we have fallen!
CC). Yes, dear. I do miss being the centre of society. I don’t suppose any of the old crowd even remember us.
EC). But when my grandfather built this house, the name of Carbunkle was famous throughout the land! We dominated the market in ointments, salves and medicinal creams! Every day, thousands of British men and women said to themselves ‘Thank goodness for Carbunkles!’”.
CC comes over to EC, puts arm round him). I know, my dear. But it does no good to dwell on the past. We must be grateful for what little we have left. If it were not for the royalties on that acne-cream that ICI brought, we would have no income at all.”
EC, moodily). Must you remind me of that? They got that from us at a rock-bottom price because we couldn’t sell the damn stuff. Now they make a fortune on it and we get a pittance!
CC). I don’t think we marketed it properly.
EC). There was nothing wrong with our marketing! We had a great slogan – ‘Cover your Zits with Carbunkles’.”
CC). Face it, darling. Carbunkles just failed to move with the times. We were an old family firm, and we couldn’t compete with the big multinationals.
EC, darkly). Not all the family firms have gone. Our greatest rivals are still in business!
CC). Yes, but that proves my point. They moved on, went into partnership with other firms, changed their business methods, their products – even their name! Instead of the old-fashioned Boyle & Gout, Ltd, they are now British Skin Diseases! Much more modern!
EC). Well, none of that would have made any difference if Ambrose hadn’t disappeared!
CC, throwing up her arms in disgust & moving away). So we’re back to that, are we? Eric, how do you know it would have made any difference at all?
EC). Ambrose and I may not have got on well, but give him his due, he was a brilliant chemist. I think he was working on something remarkable – something that would have put Carbunkles back on top and made us a fortune!
CC). Yes, I know you’ve always believed that. But face facts, Eric – there’s no proof! We went through his office and his flat after he disappeared – searched all his papers and notes – but there was nothing to be found! If he had some great secret, he took it with him when he vanished!
EC). Perhaps not, Cecily. Perhaps not.
CC). What do you mean, Eric?
EC, producing letter from pocket). This came yesterday, while you were out.
CC). A letter? Read it to me!
EC). ‘If you wish to learn more concerning Ambrose Carbunkle, be prepared to receive me at Carbunkle Hall on Friday 15th Feburary, at 8.00 p.m. sharp.’ Just that one line of typing – no return address. And a type-written name: Silas Iscolden.
CC) That’s tonight!
EC). Just so.
CC, suspiciously). This all sounds most unlikely, Eric! Why should we believe that this person knows anything at all about Ambrose?
EC). My very thought, Cecily dear. But – this was in with the letter (hands CC small piece of paper).
CC). But – surely this is Ambrose’s handwriting!
EC). I think it is. And read what it says!
CC, reading). ‘Formula, Preparation X: for treatment of …’ (turns paper over) Is that all there is?
EC, nodding). It seems so. Perhaps this Silas Iscolden has the rest of the paper – in which case there may be hope for the Carbunkles yet!
CC). Oh darling – could it be so? (Pauses thoughtfully. Somehow it seems too good to be true. Can we trust this man?
EC, shrugs). I don’t know, my dear – but what have we got to lose?
CC). I suppose you’re right. But it sounds very suspicious to me. For this to happen five years to the day after Ambrose vanished cannot be a coincidence! And that name – Silas Iscolden … somehow I feel that it must have some hidden meaning, though I cannot see what that might be.”
EC). Well, it’s nearly eight now, so perhaps we shall know more shortly.
CC). If we are to have guests once more, then we had better show some hospitality – ring for the Maid, please, Eric.
EC). Certainly, dear. (Lifts small bell from table and rings it. Possibility for comic sound effects – huge booming gong noise or similar. EC, hesitatingly) Cecily, dearest – one other thing … I’ve invited Katerina to join us.”
CC, annoyed). You’ve invited that Gout women into our home? Whatever for, Eric! You know I can’t stand her!
EC). Yes, yes, my dear. But she was Ambrose’s fiancé, after all. Surely, if there is any news of him, she has a right to know?”
CC). I know you always had a soft spot for her! And Ambrose was besotted. But I never trusted the little minx! She was just trying to get Ambrose to work for her father, old Ebenezer Gout. Mark my words, Eric!
EC). It hardly matters, now, does it?
Maid, Mildred, enters, at a slow shuffle). You rang, sir?
EC). Oh yes. We’re expecting visitors at eight, Mildred. Perhaps you could make some tea, put out a few biscuits?
CC). Better put out the best service, Mildred. It’s so rare we get visitors, we must try and make a good impression.
M). Yes Ma’m. Would that be the tiny silver pot with the cracked china top, or the large brown pot with the spout falling out?
EC). Why has the silver pot got a china top?
M). We sold the silver pot top to buy a job lot of hot pot.
CC). What happened to the china pot?
M). The china pot got too hot and I dropped the lot.
EC). Er – well, in that case I suppose it had better be the large brown pot.
CC). What’s the problem with the spout?
M). When I dropped the pot I lashed out and dislodged the spout.
EC). Oh, well, you’ll just have to do your best with it, Mildred.
M). Very well sir. And what biscuits would you like? We have some badly broken bourbons, some cracked cream crackers, or some dodgy jammy dodgers.
EC, looking harassed) Just bring some of everything, Mildred. (Exit M. Distant knocking or doorbell). That must be Katerina now. Please try and be nice, Cecily. And remember she hates being called Kate or Katy!
EC exits. CC goes to bar, pours drink. EC voice off). Come in, Katerina, come in. Terrible weather – let me take your coat. Go on through, Cecily’s expecting you.
Katerina Gout enters. A younger women, smartly dressed).
CC – stage whisper). Well, look at the Kat my husband dragged in.
KG) Good evening, Cecily.
CC). Hello, Katerina. My, that is a nice outfit you’re wearing.
KG, surprised). Why – thank you, Cecily.
CC). You’re welcome. In fact, I think I used to have one like that myself. When they were in fashion.
KG, sweetly). You’re looking very good yourself, Cecily. I always said that black suited the older women. (Or ‘stripes suit the fuller figure’ – depending on costume!).
EC enters). Well, I see you two are getting re-acquainted.
CC). Yes, I’m having a nice little chat with Catty. Sorry, Katy.
EC). Yes – well – ah – drink, Katy - Katerina? Or Mildred’s bringing some tea in a few moments.
KG). I’ll wait for the tea, thank you, Eric, since I’m driving.
CC). Saucer of milk, if you like.
KG). Still knocking back the gin, Cishely?
EC, intervening loudly before Cecily can reply). Thanks for coming over, Katerina, especially on such an awful night.
KG). Actually, I was planning to visit you anyway.
CC). You were? Why?
KG). I had a letter yesterday. Not long before you called me, Eric. From someone with the rather strange name of ‘Silas Iscolden’.
EC & CC glance at each other in surprise. EC). What did it say?
KG). Just one line. ‘If you wish to learn more concerning your fiancé, Ambrose, be at Carbunkle Hall on Friday 15th Feburary, by 8.00 p.m.’ I would have dismissed it as some sort of sick joke, except that in with the letter was this piece of paper.’ (takes out paper, hands it to EC, who looks at it and shows it to CC). It’s some sort of chemical formula. Incomplete, of course. But it’s definitely Ambrose’s handwriting. So – do you know what this is all about, Eric.
EC). Not much more than you. We had a very similar letter - and a similar piece of paper. Look! (Shows his paper).
CC). It looks like the same sort of paper. Very good quality.
KG). Ambrose kept a private dairy with paper like this. Oh – do you suppose he’s been found? I can hardly bear to hope … (Snort from CC) Oh, I know you never believed it, Cecily, but I truly loved him. And I believe he loved me! I was always certain that something dreadful had happened to him. I know the Police thought he’d simply left me, but I could never believe that he would do that.
CC). Can you make anything of this formula, Eric?
EC, peering at paper). Not really. I’m afraid I was never strong on that side of things, anyway. I did the management, and left the lab work to Ambrose. But it does look like something medicinal.
KG). I’m sure it is. I know he was working on something very special.
CC, suspiciously). How much do you know about that?
KG – evasively). Not much. He never went into details ... What’s the time now? It must be nearly eight?
EC). Just a few minutes. (Knocking on door). That may be the man now! (Exits. CC & EG give each other hostile stares).
CC). You may fool my husband, Katy Gout, but don’t think you pull the wool over my eyes! If anyone knows anything about Ambrose’s disappearance, it’s you. I don’t need any mysterious stranger to come and tell me that!
KG). And don’t think you fool me, Cecily! I know you always took me for a gold-digger, and I know why! You think I’m just like you!
CC). What on earth is that supposed to mean?
KG). Oh, every one knows you only married Eric for his money! And then watched him lose it all!
CC). That’s a wicked lie! I’ll have you know that I come from a very old and respectable family. I had no need of Eric’s money: I married him for love!
KG). Really? And which family was that, Cecily? I can’t remember you ever mentioned them before! Would I know them, do you think?
CC). Perhaps, perhaps not. I’m a Vane by birth: we are a small family, but very close knit.
EG). Well how ever old and respectable your very close Vanes are, you’ve no reason to look down on us Gouts!
CC). Well let me tell you something ... (interrupted by return of EG).
EG). Cecily – Katerina – it seems we have another unexpected guest! (turns and beckons to door. A young man enters).
KG). Good heavens! Its Shingles, isn’t it? Peter Shingles?
CC). Ambrose’s research assistant! What on earth are you doing here?
PS). Well – I had this letter ... (takes it out of his pocket).
EC). Another communication from the mysterious Mr. Iscolden, I presume?
PS). Why yes. It instructed me to be here tonight at 8.00 p.m.
KG). And was there anything else with it?
PS). Indeed there was! A piece of paper from the private diary of my old friend and boss, Ambrose Carbunkle. I recognised his writing at once. It concerns the last thing he was working on before his disappearance!
CC). Did it have a formula?
PS). No. It seems to be a suggestion for a marketing slogan – here, sir, take a look yourself. (Hands paper to EC).
EC. Reads). My God! It’s true! He’d done it!
CC). Done what?
EC). He’d found it! The Holy Grail of external-use medical research! (Hands paper to CC).
CC, reading). ‘From Piles to Smiles in one Application’. Eric – does this mean what I think it means?
EC). Yes, my dear! A cure for Haemorrhoids!
KG, taking paper). But this is wonderful! If Ambrose had found that – why, it would have been the pinnacle of his life’s work!
EC). It would have been the salvation of the Company!
CC). It would meant relief for the masses! But – Mr Shingles – did you know that this was what he was working on?
PS). I suspected it. But Ambrose was very secretive about his research, and especially so with this one. He worked entirely alone on this project – even I was never permitted to assist. It was, I suspect, a very personal matter for him.
EC). Personal matter? What do you mean by that?
PS). Let’s just say that I hadn’t seen him sit down in years.
KG). Oh, my poor darling! How he must have suffered! But he never said a word to me.
PS). No, I think he preferred to keep it … covered up. He was a very private man, as you know. I was as close to him as anyone, but even with me he would never admit to any weakness or failing.
CC). But this makes his disappearance even more tragic! For such a thing to happen when he was on the verge of such a great breakout – I mean, breakthrough.
KG). Oh, I do hope that this man Iscolden can shed some light on the matter.
EC). Well, we shall know shortly – look, it’s just coming up to eight now….
(Clock begins to strike 8. At the first stroke, all lights go out. Cries of alarm all round. At the last stroke, the lights come back on, to reveal Silas Iscolden standing by the window. He is wearing a coat with the collar turned up, a brimmed hat pulled down low, dark glasses and possibly a scarf, if that doesn’t muffle his voice. The general effect is to disguise his appearance. It also reduces his vision, so that he tends to bump into items of furniture as he moves around the stage, to comic effect. His appearance provokes gasps and possible little screams from the others).
EC). I – I presume you must be Mr. Iscolden.
SI) Yes, Eric Carbunkle. It is indeed I! Silas Iscolden: Investigator of Mysteries, Uncoverer of Secrets, Searcher of Hidden Places, and Delver into the Depths of Shadows!
CC). That’s all very well, but I don’t see why you can’t just ring the bell and come through the door like everyone else.
SI). That is precisely why, Cecily Carbunkle. Silas Iscolden does not do things ‘like everybody else’. Silas Iscolden does not enter through doors. Doors are watched! Doors are used! People entering through doors may be seen! But not Silas Iscolden! Silas Iscolden is a shadow, a wraith: he comes and goes, he goes and comes…
KG, stage whisper). He goes on and on.
SI, ignoring interruption). No one sees Silas Iscolden. But he sees – everything! (Trips and falls, disappearing behind the sofa).
CC). Oh, do watch out for that rug.
PS, helps SI to his feet. SI). Ah, Peter Shingles. Ambrose Carbuncle’s Laboratory Assistant – and so-called friend.
PS). What do you mean, ‘so-called’? I was his friend!
SI, ignoring PS, turning to KG) And the lovely Katerina Gout. The fiancé.
KG). Oh, Mr Iscolden – do you have news of my lost love?
SI). All in good time, Miss Gout. All in good time. (Turns to survey the others). So, now you are all gathered: the principle players in the story of Ambrose Carbunkle.
CC). Yes, and now that you’ve got us all here, what do you have to tell us?
EC). You can start by telling us where you got that page from Ambrose’s notes – and what you’ve done with the rest of it!
SI). Is that your sole concern, Eric? To get your hands on Ambrose’s formula? Are you not concerned as to the fate of your cousin?
EC). Er – well, yes, of course. But the formula? Is it genuine?
SI). We will get to that in due course. But first, there are questions to be answered, secrets to be revealed! Five years ago this very night, a dark and terrible deed was done! The truth of that has been hidden in lies and deceit - but now the time has come for truth to be revealed! Prepare yourself, for the deepest and most searching questions will be asked!
M, entering with tray). Tea or coffee?
Lights fade, curtain falls.
Scene 2. Same room a few minutes later. Everyone except Mildred present and now sitting, finishing off tea & biscuits.
CC). So, Mr. Iscolden - you said you had some questions?
SI). Indeed I do, Mrs Carbunkle. My researches have uncovered many things about those strange and tragic events of five years past: but there are still a few loose ends to tie up. .Starting with you, Mr. Carbunkle!
EC). Me? What can I tell you? Ambrose’s disappearance was as big a mystery to me as to everyone else.
SI). Indeed? But did you not receive a telephone call from Ambrose Carbunkle on the very evening of his disappearance?
EC). Yes, I did. At about four o’clock that afternoon. But I told the Police about that. All he said was that he was coming to see me on a matter of urgency.
SI). And you’re sure that that was all he said?
EC). Yes. Absolutely.
SI). Quite a short conversation, then.
EC). I suppose so.
SI). Rather strange, then, that according to the telephone records, your conversation lasted nearly half an hour!
(Shocked gasps all round. EC). How could you possibly know that? The Police …
SI, interrupting). The Police were rather busy at the time, if you recall. Two murders, a string of aggravated burglaries, and a particularly serious outbreak of pick-pocketing! They saw no reason to question your story – but I dug a little deeper!
EC). Yes, well, we may have chatted for a while.
SI, laughing). Chatted? Come, now, Mr Carbunkle. It’s well known that you and Ambrose had little time for each other! You wouldn’t have spent a minute longer than you had to in conversation with him.
KG). That’s true! Ambrose often told me how rudely you would cut him off when you were speaking.
EC, defensively). OK, so we didn’t have much in common. To be honest, Katerina, he was a boring sod. Always on about his own genius in the lab, and spouting formulas at me.
CC). So what did you talk about, Eric.
EC). If you must know, he was making some quite absurd demands.
SI). Of what nature?
EC). He told me he’d had enough of playing second fiddle! He wanted an equal partnership in the business, to be a co-director! What’s more, he told me that if I didn’t agree, he would leave Carbunkle’s and take his latest development elsewhere!
CC). What did you say to that?
EC). I told him that he couldn’t do that. Anything he’d developed in the Carbunkle Laboratory was Carbunkle property. And as for being co-director – he knew nothing about that side of the business! He should be content with his position in the Lab.
PS). He wouldn’t have liked that. He was always complaining that you held him back, and that since it was a family business he should have an equal share in it.
EC). No, he didn’t like it at all. He ranted on in that vein for some time. Finally, I said that I wouldn’t hear any more. He said that when I’d seen his latest product, I would be falling over myself to give him what he wanted, and that he’d come up to the Hall that very night to show me!
SI). And then what?
EC). Then he hung up. And you know the rest. I hung around waiting for him all night, but he didn’t show. Next day, the Police came round and told me his car had been found abandoned on the road across the moors, ten miles from here. And that’s all I know about it!
SI) Really? And why should we believe you, Eric Carbunkle? You lied to the Police about this – what more did you conceal?
EC). Dammit, man – I didn’t lie! I was just – ah – ‘economical with the truth’ I think the phrase is. After all, what difference did it make? Ambrose’s disappearance was nothing to do with that conversation!
SI) Perhaps. Perhaps not…. We will return to that. But now we must consider the other telephone call that Ambrose made that night!
KG gives little gasp and puts hands over mouth).
CC). What phone call? No other telephone call was ever mentioned.
SI). Not mentioned, no. But those telephone records are very revealing. Do you want to tell us anything, Katerina?
(Silence as everyone looks at KG, who then lowers her hands). Yes – very well, it’s true. Ambrose did call me that night.
SI). At what time?
KG). About half-past four, I think. It must have been just after he finished speaking to you, Eric. And that explains why he sounded so angry. He was convinced that you were cheating him out of his rightful share in the business, and that he would never get the credit he deserved. He was furious about his conversation with you. He said that he was on his way to have it out with you for once and for all, and if you didn’t promise to share the company with him, then he’d go and work for my father at Boyle & Gout’s!
CC, triumphantly). There! I knew it! That’s what you were after all along, wasn’t it, Katy Grout?
KG). No it wasn’t – and that’s why I never mentioned this before. I knew you’d take this attitude, Cecily! But it’s just not true. I never tried to persuade him to go to my father – that was all his idea!
SI). So you never said anything like: ‘At Boyle & Gout’s you’d be given a directorship for your achievements?’ Or ‘my father says you’re the most brilliant mind in medicinal chemistry in this generation?’ ‘If only you worked for my father, you’d be properly appreciated?”
KG). How could you possibly know…? Alright, yes, I may have said something like that, on occasion. But that was just to encourage poor Ambrose! He got so depressed, sometimes. I couldn’t bear seeing him like that. I had to say something to give him more self confidence. I never meant to make him split from his family! (Head in hands, starts to sob).
CC). Hah!
SI). So… whatever the truth of your motives, Ms. Gout, we now know that Ambrose was speaking to you until – when did the conversation end?
KG, wiping eyes). About quarter to five, I think.
SI). And he was speaking to you from his flat in Flaking, was he not?
KG). I think so. He said something about going to get his car out of the garage, and that he was going to leave at once.
EC). Hang on a minute. It’s only fifteen miles from Flaking to Carbunkle Hall. If he’d left his flat as soon as he’d talked to Katerina, he could have been here by twenty past five at the latest!
CC). But the Police said his car couldn’t have been abandoned before nine-thirty. A patrol car went past the spot about then, and there was nothing there!
EC). We assumed that he must have set out much later….but if this is correct, what on earth was he doing for nearly five hours?
SI). An excellent question. Perhaps you can help us with that – Peter Shingles!
PS). Me? I didn’t receive any phone calls!
SI). No, indeed. But – where were you on that fateful night?
PS). I – I was at home. I went to bed early, I had a headache.
SI). Yes, that’s what you told the Police. But, tell me this: If you were at home in bed – why was your car at the Carbunkles Factory?
(Shocked gasps all round. PS). No – that’s not true!
SI) The Security Staff at Carbunkles log the registration number of every vehicle that leaves or enters the factory outside of normal working hours! Your vehicle was recorded as entering at a quarter to six that night!
PS). Well – I – er – went back to the lab to – to get something for my headache!
SI). Really? No aspirin at home? No Paracetemol … or was it such a terrible headache that it needed the full resources of a modern pharmaceutical laboratory to cure it?
PS). I wanted to finish a bit of work.
SI). Oh, another story now! First you lie to the Police – now you lie to us. What’s the truth of the matter, eh? What was your real reason for being at the Lab so late?
(PS says nothing. SI). Not talking? Well, we can come back to that. The real question is, not why you were there – but who you met!
PS). No one!
SI). Really? How strange. Security records Ambrose Carbunkle’s car as entering the factory fifteen minutes after yours! (SI comes close to PS). He came to the Lab that night, didn’t he? While you were there – supposedly working late on your headache potion! You saw him didn’t you? DIDN’T YOU PETER SHINGLES!
PS). Yes! Yes - alright, I did! I saw him!
SI) Much better, Peter. Now, why don’t you tell us what you talked about?
PS). We didn’t talk much at all. He was surprised to see me, of course. I started to tell him what I was doing, but he … he said he didn’t care, and that I had to go.
EC). Did he tell you why he was there? Was it about his haemorrhoid formula?
PS). He didn’t say. I asked if I could help with anything, but he just told me to get out, that he didn’t need my help. He was very excited. He went on about how he didn’t need anybody, he didn’t need Eric. He said he didn’t need Carbunkles at all and if Eric got in his way, he’d ditch the lot of us!
KG). What on earth did he mean by that?
CC). Well, that’s obvious! He was planning to go over to Boyle and Grout!
EC). Did he say that?
PS). Not in so many words. But he said that he’d get the recognition he deserved, and if he didn’t get it, than he’d take what he had – he was waving his notebook at me as he said it – and go elsewhere!
SI). And then what?
PS). He pushed me out of the lab. Literally! Pushed me out, shut the door in my face!
SI) How did you react to that?
PS). Well, I was upset, naturally. I – I hammered on the door, demanding an explanation, but he ignored me. So in the end I just went home. I thought I’d have it out with him the next day – but of course, I never saw him again.
EC). He must have been making up a batch of his special formula! Something to show me, perhaps?
KG). The timing fits. But – one thing I don’t understand. Why didn’t the Police find out about this? However busy they were, they would surely have considered the possibility that Ambrose might have visited his lab. Why didn’t they check the Security records? And – Peter – why on earth did you lie to them about it?
CC). I don’t think we really need to go into that now, do we. Hardly important… would anyone like a drink?
EC). Hang on Cecily. I think Katerina has a good point.
SI). A very good point, I’d say! Why did you lie, Peter? Was it, perhaps, because you had something to do with Ambrose’s disappearance?
PS). No – no of course not! He was my friend!
SI). A friend who had just thrown you out of the lab! A friend who had just made a revolutionary breakthrough, and as good as told you that you weren’t going to have any share in it! That must have made you angry, Peter! Angry enough, perhaps, to go back into the lab and attack him?
PS). NO! No, I never harmed Ambrose! I don’t know what happened to him! It was nothing to do with me!
SI). No? Then perhaps it was the other person there!
EC). Another person? Who on earth was that?
SI). Someone who had sufficient influence at the factory to cause the Security Records to disappear! Somebody who’s car was also there that night!
EC). But who on earth could that have been?
SI). Five minutes before Peter Shingles arrived at the factory, another car was logged in. This car had the registration Ess-Pee-Oh-Tee-Eee-One!
EC, slowly). SPOT E1! But Cecily – that’s your car!
Lights fade, close curtain.
(END OF ACT 1).
ACT 2, Scene 1. The lounge at Carbunkle Hall. Positions as before.
CC). Oh, Eric, darling ... Please let me explain. It wasn’t what you think!
EC). Really? And what am I supposed to think? What on earth could you be doing, meeting that man out at the factory? And on a night, when – unless I’m much mistaken – you informed me that you were attending a Women’s Institute lecture on ‘Exotic Jam Making’.
KG). Well, that’s a new name for it, Cecily.
CC). Eric – I’m so sorry.
EC) But why, Cecily? Why? And with Peter Shingles of all people!
PS). Hang on – what’s that supposed to mean?
EC). It means that if my wife is going to have an affair, I would at least expect her to have it with someone from her own social class! Not to go around consorting with the Lab Assistant!
PS). Affair? Don’t be daft, there wasn’t an affair. Your wife was – well – I was helping her out with a - ah - small problem she had.
EC). What? Cecily – what’s he talking about?
CC). I – well, there was something I didn’t want you to know about.
EC). I think that’s obvious!
CC). No, not that! I suppose I should have told you the truth from the start. But I was so ashamed. Eric, I have ... dandruff!
EC). Cecily!
CC). Yes, I’m afraid it’s true. I know you thought I was just going prematurely white, but in fact I’ve had this problem for years.
EC). I can’t believe it! Surely I would have noticed something.
CC). I did everything I could to keep you from noticing! Didn’t you ever wonder why I always refused to have pillow cases in anything but white?
EC). And is that why you always wear that balaclava?
CC). Just so, Eric darling. I know it was foolish, to hide this from you – but I could not bear to have you think of me as flakey.
EC). Darling, you should have trusted me!
CC). Yes, I realise that now. But I thought I could deal with it on my own, that you’d never have to know. I tried all the remedy’s I could find, but none were very successful. I needed something more effective. That’s why I went to Peter Shingles for help. I knew he could be trusted, and he had access to the lab. That’s why I met him there that night. He was going to give me a new anti-dandruff formula that he had been working on.
EC). But Ambrose turned up as well!
CC). Yes. It was an ugly scene. He came to the same conclusion as you did. I tried to explain, but he just laughed and said that he might just mention it to you when he saw you later. Then he threw us both out!
EC). I see. And then when Ambrose disappeared …
CC). I realised that if ever this came out, it would give me a motive for causing that disappearance! I spoke to Peter, told him what to say to the Police. I took the security logs, and swore the guard to silence!
EC). Well… that’s… quite a story.
CC). If you want proof, you only have to look in my balaclava! (Pulls it off and offers it to him: EC declines). But I swear to you, Eric, it’s all happened just as I said. I was not having an affair with Peter Shingles, and I had nothing to do with Ambrose’s disappearance!
EC). Oh, Cecily, Cecily my love! (Goes and hugs her, touches her hair then surreptitiously wipes his hand). Of course I believe you.
SI). This is all very touching, but I think there are still some questions to be answered here! For example – if the real reason for this meeting was Cecily’s – problem – why go to Peter Shingles about it? Why not ask Ambrose for help? After all, it was Ambrose who was the genius! If anyone could have cured your dandruff, Cecily, surely it was him?
CC). I’m afraid that I didn’t really trust Ambrose. I knew all about the friction between him and Eric, of course. I was afraid that if he learned of my weakness, he would use it in some way to further his own ambitions.
PS). And in any case, Ambrose wouldn’t have been the best person to help her. He was better at coming up with snappy slogans than actually developing effective treatments!
SI, sharply). What do you mean by that?
PS). Simply this – Ambrose Carbunkle was not the genius everyone thought he was!
General shock & outrage. KG). How dare you say such a thing!
EC). Come on, now, Shingles! I didn’t get along with Ambrose, but even I never doubted that he was the best research chemist in the country!
PS). Oh, I don’t deny that he had talent! In particular, he had a flair for seeing what the market needed and coming up with it first! He had some brilliant ideas. But he wasn’t so good at working out the details! That was where I came in, you see. Ambrose would have some fantastic idea for a product, and even work out a formula: but then I would have to go through it, test it, experiment with it and actually make it work!
SI). That’s nonsense! Nonsense! You’re just jealous of Ambrose’s ability. You merely carried out his instructions, nothing more!
PS). On the contrary! Without me none of his brilliant ideas would have been any good at all! And he knew it! In the beginning, when we first met and began working together, he used to talk about how good a team we made, and how well we worked together! We were friends then … for my part, we could have carried on as friends. But, more and more he insisted on taking all the credit, and more and more he began to resent my input. Finally, he got to the point where he wouldn’t even show me what he was working on.
EC). The haemorrhoid project!
PS). I presume so. I knew he had something big, and he was looking for a cure for it. I begged him to let me see his formula, but he refused to even discuss it. Frankly, I was worried about what might happen if he released a product that I hadn’t checked over.
SI). Or perhaps you were worried that he might finally prove, once and for all, that you weren’t needed!
PS). No – that’s not true!
SI). You couldn’t bear that thought, could you! You would have done anything to prevent Ambrose being a success without you – isn’t that right?
PS). No … really …
SI). And even better if you could steal his formula as well, and claim it as your own work! Except you didn’t know that there was only one copy of that formula, the one in his personal diary, which he kept with him at all times! I’d say that you had every reason for making Ambrose disappear!
KG). Peter! Did you do it?
PS). NO!
EC). I must say, Shingles, it is a good point. You did have motive.
SI). Ah, yes – but then, so did you, Eric Carbunkle!
EC). Me - but …
SI). You knew that Ambrose was going to demand more share in the management of the company – perhaps an equal partnership – in return for his new formula. But you would never be willing to give him that! You hated him already, and you had no intention of sharing either your power or your position with him. Much better from your point of view if Ambrose would just conveniently disappear. Leaving his formula behind, of course! Perhaps you thought that he’d shared his work with Peter Shingles, as usual?
EC). This is nonsense!
CC). Really, Mr. Isgolden, I assure you that my husband had nothing to do with it!
SI). Indeed? Well, in that case, perhaps it was you, Cecily Carbunkle!
CC). What? How dare you make such a suggestion!
SI). Come, now, Cecily. You’ve made it clear to us all what your motive would be. Ambrose had stumbled on your sordid little secret, and he was going to reveal it to Eric. You didn’t even care about the formula – you just wanted him out of the way!
CC). But …
SI). Which brings us to the last of our little group – the lovely Katerina!
KG). Me! But why should I, of all people, want Ambrose to disappear? I loved him! It broke my heart when he vanished!
SI). Did it really, Katerina? Or was it the vanished haemorrhoid formula that broke your heart?
KG). Oh – what a cruel and evil suggestion! Why would I care about the dammed formula?
SI). Why? Because Boyle and Gout cared very much about it! Your only real interest in Ambrose was to get him to join your family firm! You never really loved him – you just wanted his genius!
KG – bursts into tears). That’s a lie! A wicked, wicked lie!
SI). All those years you spent, patiently working to your goal of making him a Boyle and Gout employee! All suddenly threatened when he told you his plans! Were you afraid that Eric would give in to Ambrose’s demands? Did you realise that if Ambrose finally got the recognition he deserved, all your scheming and planning would have been wasted? Did you decide it would be better to be rid of Ambrose altogether and just take his haemorrhoid formula back to your family?
KG). No, no that’s not true, I would never harm my dear Ambrose!
SI). So you say. But, you had motive! (Looking round the room). You all had motive! And one of you – one of you four gathered her tonight – is the person responsible for what happened to Ambrose Carbunkle, five years ago this very night!
EC). How dare you! Just who do you think you are, coming here like this, raking up the past and making such outrageous suggestions!
KG). Yes – that’s a very good question, Eric. Just who are you, and how come you know so much about these things? And in particular, how do you know the details of private conversations I had with my fiancé?
CC). I’d like to know how you found out the contents of that Security Log? I destroyed it! There’s no way anyone could have found out what was in it!
PS). Come to think of it – how could you have known that Ambrose’s formula was only written in his diary? Even if you found the diary itself?
SI). Ah, very perceptive of you all. Perhaps now it’s time to reveal the truth! (removes hat, coat, glasses, scarf, etc). Well, have I changed much in five years?
EC, CC, KG, PS). Ambrose!
Lights fade, curtain falls
Act II, Scene 2. The same, a moment later: KG has gone over to SI and as the scene opens, hesitantly reaches out and touches his face..
KG). I can hardly believe it. You have changed. Yet it is you! At last – after this time – Ambrose! (Hugs SI).
SI, peeling KG off him). The very same. Though I prefer it if you continued to call me Silas. It is, after all, the name I have lived under for the past five years.
KG, still trying to hold on to SI). But, darling, what happened to you? Where have you been all this time?
SI, pushing her away). Spare me the ‘darling’, Katerina! You already know the suspicions I have of you! (KG, looking hurt, sits down again). As for what happened to me … You have heard the truth of what occurred that night, up to the point where I ejected Cecily and Peter from the Lab. (And what their real purpose there was is something I neither know nor care about. But it was the first time I’d ever seen Cecily naked from the neck up!).
CC). He had to examine my scalp!
SI). Whatever. After they had left, I went to my safe and took out a sample of the haemorrhoid treatment that I had previously prepared. I also took my notebook which, as I have said, contained the only copy of the formula. With these I set off to Carbunkle Hall, intending to present my ultimatum to Eric.
EC). But you never arrived.
SI). Indeed not. I was somewhat delayed. As Peter has already informed you, my quest for an effective haemorrhoid treatment had a – ah – personal aspect. Driving, in particular, had become more difficult over the years. And on this particular night, in my haste to get here, I had forgotten my special cushion. The upshot was, by the time I was half-way to the Hall, I was suffering extreme discomfort. Desperate for relief, I pulled over and did the only thing possible: I used the formula!
PS). But – that was incredibly dangerous! It hadn’t been checked – it hadn’t been tested!
SI). Oh, had no concerns about that! In spite of all your misgivings, I was entirely confident of my own abilities. I knew that my formula would work. And what better way to demonstrate it to Eric?
KG). But – something went wrong?
SI). Yes, Katerina. Something went wrong.
EC). So the formula didn’t work after all?
SI). There was nothing wrong with the formula! But I had failed to anticipate – sabotage!
CC). Sabotage! Ambrose – I mean, Silas – what happened?
SI). I – I don’t remember much, from that point. I applied the salve, and there was some relief, so I drove on. But then things become confused. At some point I must have abandoned the car and wandered off across the moors. I don’t know how far I walked or for how long. But when I finally came to myself I was cold, wet, and lost. And, more significantly – I had no memory!
KG) What do you mean?
SI). Amnesia, my dear. I had absolutely no idea of my name, or where I came from, or anything. I was a man without a past.
PS). But how – oh, my God! The formula.
SI). Exactly so. The formula – or rather, the sample that I had prepared and used on myself. Somehow, it had been tampered with! Someone had adulterated it, mixed in other drugs. Whether their intent was to kill me outright or merely to incapacitate me, I cannot say: but the result was effective enough! To all intents and purposes, Ambrose Carbunkle had ceased to exist!
EC). But what happened then? I mean – surely, you had documents on you – your wallet? Some means of proving your identity?
SI). It seems not. Apparently, in my haste to confront you, Eric, I had rushed out without anything that could identify me. My keys and so on were left in the car: I had nothing on me except my diary (which had no name or address in it) and the small sample tube of prepared haemorrhoid treatment.
CC). But surely – the Police would have helped…
SI). I didn’t go to the Police, Cecily. Instead, as I wandered the moors in my dazed and confused condition, I stumbled across a wandering band of pickpockets. Once they had ascertained that I had nothing of value on me, and that I had no knowledge of who I was, they took me in: and so began my new life!
KG). Ambrose – you became a pickpocket?
SI). It’s Silas, Katerina. My new friends gave me a new name, to go with my new identity and new life. The pickpocketing fraternity use ancient traditional names such as Keith Yermothshut, Emma Sayin-Nowt, Andy Snotalkin or Wanda Brief. I was proud to be known among them as Silas Iscolden.
KG). But pick-pocketing is criminal!
SI). Please, there’s no need to be offensive! Terms like ‘criminal’ are considered amongst us to be both ignorant and prejudiced. We prefer to call ourselves ‘Relief Operatives’.
EC). Relief Operatives?
SI). That’s right. We relieve people of things, and in doing so, we make a valuable contribution to the community as a whole. Why, just consider the demand we generate for new wallets and purses! That alone is a significant economic factor. But I digress. I soon found that I had an aptitude for my new life. I settled in well amongst them, and grew to enjoy it! It’s a rewarding lifestyle – every day a different town, every moment a new pocket. And I might well have continued happily in that for many more years to come.
CC). Except that somehow, you regained your memory.
SI). Yes, exactly. It happened that the clothes I had been wearing on the night of my disappearance had been kept for me, should I ever feel the need to go back. I happened to dig out my old jacket to use for practicing my inner-pocket technique. And inside it I found the sample tube and my diary.
PS). What – you mean no one had stolen it?
SI). Certainly not! We’re not common thieves!
PS). Sorry – my mistake.
SI). At first, of course, nothing in the diary made sense. But as I puzzled my way through the pages, it started to come back to me. I remembered Carbunkles! I remembered the lab, and my former life as Ambrose Carbunkle … and it was then that I realised what must have happened, and how I had been betrayed and brought low, at the very moment of my greatest triumph!
EC). Well – this is an incredible story. But do I understand from this that you blame us for what happened to you?
SI). It had to be one of you four! Consider – I have already shown how each of you had motive – but you also had opportunity!
CC). What on earth do you mean?
SI). Whoever sabotaged the haemorrhoid sample I used would have had to have access to the lab and to my safe. Of these, Eric is the most obvious one – as Managing Director, he had access to every part of the factory, and all the keys, even those of my safe!
EC). Now, just a minute …
SI). Of course, he doesn’t know so much about the technical side of pharmaceuticals , but what off it? All he add to do was mix in a few random chemicals and leave the rest to chance!
EC). I did nothing of the sort!
SI). Really? Then perhaps it was your wife. After all, Cecily has as much access to the keys as you had! Or, again, it could have been my Assistant and so-called friend, Peter Shingles. He had not only the access, but the knowledge as well. He would have known just what to mix in to the sample to have the desired effect.
KG). Well you can’t accuse me of any of this. I was never in your factory, let alone your lab!
SI). Not officially, no. But you had plenty of opportunities during our relationship to copy my keys! It wouldn’t have been difficult for you to sneak into that night – and with your background in the family business, you would have had no trouble in sabotaging my sample!
KG). No! No – I swear to you, I didn’t – I wouldn’t!
SI). Well one of you did! And – who knows – perhaps more than one of you were involved! Perhaps the plot against me involved you all.
EC). Preposterous!
CC). Is this why you’ve come back? To discover the truth?
SI, smiling unpleasantly). Not just that Cecily. Oh no. When I have learned who it was that sought to destroy – then, my dear lady, I will have my revenge!
KG). Oh! But – Ambrose! Don’t you want to come back to your former life – and come back to me, your true love?
SI). Come back? No, I have no desire to do that! But there is a debt of honour to be paid here!
CC). I don’t understand. What do you mean.
SI). When my memory returned, I talked the matter over with the head of our clan, the Don.
PS). Don?
SI). Yes. Don Talktothefuzz. He pointed out to me that there was a matter to be resolved here: the insult to me, the attempt on my life, must be avenged! Such is the code that I now follow. So, I made my plans, and brought you all here! (Produces notebook from pocket, opens it to inner page). Not very difficult, when I sent you all pages from my old notebook – pages with information about the missing haemorrhoid formula. I knew that your greed would do the rest. And here you will stay until one of you confesses!
EC). But what if none of us does?
SI). Then I must consider you all guilty – and take my revenge on you all!
KG). Revenge? Whatever do you mean?
SI). Tosses notebook down – close to PS – and produces small container). What I mean, Katerina, is that I shall treat you all as you treated me!
CC). But – do you mean – is that …
SI). The very same! The sabotaged haemorrhoid salve that, five years ago, wiped out both my haemorrhoids and my memories.
EC). You monster! You fiend! I don’t even have haemorrhoids!
SI, with evil laugh). Eric, you won’t even remember what haemorrhoids are! Or Carbunkles, either!
PS). But – this is madness! That damn stuff had terrible effects on you five years ago and who knows what chemical reactions may have occurred since then! It could do more than wipe our minds – it may be a deadly poison by now!
SI). Peter – I’m disappointed in you. Have you lost your taste for exciting experiments? I haven’t, I assure you!
KG). You’re mad! That evil stuff did more than take your memories, it turned you insane!
SI). On the contrary, my dear Katerina. I see things more clearly now than ever! I know that you are all my enemies, and I must destroy you all!
EC). And do you think that we’re just going to let you treat us for haemorrhoids? You must be mad if you think we’ll stand for that!
SI Pulls out pistol). You can assume any posture you like, Eric, but you’ll do just as I say! Or I’ll shoot you like the dog you are! So what’s it to be - the potion or the pistol? You can be first if you like, dear cousin. Come on – drop ‘em or I drop you!
CC). No, Eric!
EC). Peter – we must protect the ladies! He can’t shoot us both – get ready!
SI). Very brave – but quite pointless, I assure you. (rings bell for maid).
CC). Why are you doing that? Do you mean to shoot poor Mildred as well?
SI). Ah – well, there’s something you need to know about Mildred.
Enter M, but walking differently and carrying a gun). You rang, sir?
SI). Yes indeed. Please be so good as to shoot any of these people who make a move.
M, pointing gun at nearest person). Certainly sir. Will that be one bullet or two?
SI). What ever you think best.
CC). But – Mildred? I don’t understand…
SI). Sorry, my mistake. I haven’t told you the full story. I actually recovered my memory a year ago. Once I’d decided to have my revenge on you, my first move was to put someone on the inside – to case the joint, as we like to say. I needed to know what had changed since I disappeared. It was easy enough to get one of my pickpocket friends to play the role of Mildred and get a job here.
KG). Then – who is this if it’s not Mildred.
SI). Oh, do forgive my manners. Please let me introduce Donna Nuffin, the daughter of the Don himself – and, incidentally, my new fiancé.
KG) What – no, how could you!
SI). Easily enough, Katerina, since in the first place I had forgotten all about you, and in the second place, I couldn’t trust you! Donna, my dear – let me say what a splendid job you’ve done!
M/DN, in a different accent). That’s OK, Silas me luv. Wearn’t a problem fooling these twits. Must say, though, I’m glad it’s finished. I were getting right tired of the dotty maid act – all this cracked pot top and broken bourbon stuff. So – are we goin’ to shoot ‘em now?
SI). In a moment, dearest. First, I will give the true culprit one more chance to confess and save the others. Come on then, speak up!
During the conversation, PS has picked up the diary and has been looking intently at a page inside. Still reading, he holds up a hand). Hang on – not so fast!
SI). Sorry. Come…on….then….speak…up….
PS). No – I mean, wait a minute. Ambrose – Silas – whoever you are – is this the original formula?
SI, coming over to look). Yes, that’s it.
PS). The one you used to make up that sample?
SI). Yes! What of it.
PS). The one you used on yourself?
SI). After someone had sabotaged it, yes! Why?
PS). Well, then there was no need for anyone to sabotage it at all! This stuff is perfectly capable of having that affect all by itself.
SI). What – no, that’s nonsense!
PS). No – I’m afraid not. Look here – the chemical reaction at this stage would produce a by-product that you haven’t accounted for.
SI). Of course I accounted for it!
PS). You can’t have done! There’s no provision made for removing that by-product, which would be dangerous on its own. And look at here – the relative amount of this ingredient is far too high! It wouldn’t all be catalysed – which means that it would still be present to react with this chemical when it was introduced, and that … hells flaking epidermis!
CC). What is it, Peter?
PS). I’d need to check it in the lab … but I think what you’ve got here, Ambrose, is something very similar to LSD! Only with amnesiac properties, it seems.
SI). No! NO! That’s not true! It can’t be true!
EC). I think it is, Ambrose. Peter may not have had your reputation for brilliance, but he’s a damn good chemist. And do you realise what that means? It means that you’re wasting your time trying to get a confession out of us – because none of us did it!
SI). You did – you all did!
KG). No, my love. You did this to yourself. Peter was right – you should have let him check the formula.
SI). Damn you – damn you, Peter Shingles! Still trying to undermine me, still jealous of my genius!
PS). I assure you …
SI). Shut up! I don’t want to hear it! It’s not true – not true, do you hear! I’m a genius, and my formula’s brilliant and perfect, and once you are all dead or out of your minds, I’ll make my fortune selling this to another company!
EC). And who will you sell it to? No one is going to buy an untried formula from a pickpocket called Silas Iscolden! And Ambrose Carbunkle disappeared five years ago… how are you going to explain all that?
SI). Don’t worry about that! I’ve got it all worked out! I’ll go abroad, change my name again. I’ll approach a company in Europe or America that doesn’t care about what happened five years ago … I’ll start a new life and …
DN). Hang abat, Silas. You ain’t said nuffin to me abhat goin’ abroad!
SI). Not now, Donna. We’ll talk later.
DN). Never mind later, mate! You should ‘ave talked about it before – you ain’t tryin’ to pull a fast one, are yer? ‘Cos yer’ve made promises to me, yer have – and to me old man as well!
SI). To hell with that! Your old man doesn’t even know who I am now – let alone what promises I made!
DN) Ere – what ave’ yer done to Don?
SI). So I might have tried a little of the formula out on him – just to see if it was still good! What of it? Should I share my fame and fortune with some small-time pickpocket – or his daughter? I don’t need him, and I don’t need you! So just drop your gun, Donna, or I’ll …
DN, without waiting for him to finish shoots: SI dies in a suitably theatrical fashion. Screams and shouts all round).
DN). Two timing bastard! He always did talk too much! Serves me right for trustin’ an honest man. (Turns gun towards others). Right, you lot. You can just sit here for a few minutes while I clear orf. Good thing I already packed what was left of the silver – at least it’s not been a total waste of time! I’ll leave him to you!
(DN exits, backwards, keeping others covered as she goes).
KG). Is he…
PS, examining body). Yes, I’m afraid so. Bullet through the heart.
KG). He was mad, wasn’t he.
CC). Yes my dear. Stark, raving, barking bonkers, I’d say. It may have been that formula – but from what we’ve heard tonight, I’d say it started long before that.
PS). Shouldn’t we call the Police?
EC). We probably should. But on the other hand, why bother?
CC). What do you mean Eric?
EC). Ambrose disappeared five years ago. Bringing him back now as a fresh corpse with a bullet in it is just going to create complications for everyone. And I’m sure the Police have better things to do. I think it’s best to let sleeping dogs – or in this case, dead cousins – lie!
CC). I see your point. We don’t want anyone else asking awkward questions about things we didn’t mention five years ago – do we, Katerina? Peter? (All look at each other, general nods of agreement).
EC). Katerina, dear – it’s been a very trying night for you, I know. Perhaps you’d just better go home, have a stiff drink and a good nights sleep. Peter will run you home, I’m sure.
PS). Yes, of course.
EC). I’ll bring your car over tomorrow.
KG). Well – OK then – perhaps you’re right. But what about..?(indicates body).
EC). Don’t worry about that. I’ll dispose of it. Plenty of places to hid a body in this place!
KG). Goodnight then. (Exit with PS).
EC). At last! I thought they’d never go. (Goes over to body, picks up sample of formula from where it was dropped) Ah, here it is. Good old Ambrose! He’s saved the Carbunkle’s after all!
CC). What on earth do you mean, Eric? You heard what Peter said – it’s far too dangerous to use on haemorrhoids!
EC). Of course. But I can think of a lot of ways to make money out of something that removes people’s memories. After all, everyone has things in their past that they’d rather forget: a failed love affair, a miserable holiday…
CC). A mad cousin getting murdered in the lounge?
EC). Exactly! Now you begin see the potential. Of course, it needs a little work. People won’t want to forget who they are. Well, most people. I’ll speak to Peter about that tomorrow. Perhaps he can tweak it a bit.
CC). But – how will we market it?
EC). We’ll need a good slogan. Hmm… how about “Put it all behind you with Carbunkles”?
CC). Perhaps – oh, how about this: “Carbunkles removes the parts that beer can’t reach”?
EC). Maybe. Ah! I think I’ve got it, Cecily! Listen to this…. “Forget all your troubles – but remember - Carbunkles!”
Close curtain.
A play by Paul Trembling
CHARACTERS (in order of appearance).
Eric Carbunkle.
Cecily Carbunkle.
Mildred the Maid / Donna Nuffin.
Katerina Gout.
Peter Shingles
Silas Isgolden / Ambrose Carbunkle
Scene 1: The lounge of Carbunkle Hall, a room of decayed opulence. Eric Carbunkle, a man of middle age, is staring out towards the audience, this being the front window. His wife, Cecily Carbunkle, (a few years younger) is sitting reading. She is wearing a balaclava hat. It is a night of high wind, driving rain, and occasional lightening.
EC). It was like this the night that Ambrose vanished.
CC, without looking up). It’s been five years, dear. Isn’t it time you started to put that behind you?
EC). Five years this very night, as it happens, Cecily. And it’s not so easy to put it behind me, as you suggest. After all, he was my only living relative. Shall we ever know the truth, I wonder? Shall we ever know what became of my dear cousin?
CC). Be honest, darling. You didn’t care a jot for Ambrose. It’s just that you had hoped he might save the business and restore the family fortunes.
EC). Well, what of it? After all, what is now left of the once great Carbunkles? Nothing but this mouldering old ruin.
CC). Don’t be so hard on yourself, dear.
EC, sharply). I meant the house!
CC). Of course.
EC). Do you remember how this place looked in its prime? It was magnificent in those days! We always had guests staying. Some of the greatest names in society practically begged for an invitation. And there were hordes of servants to cater to their every need. But now look at us! Just a few rooms left habitable – our only servant is poor old Mildred –and no one visits! How far we have fallen!
CC). Yes, dear. I do miss being the centre of society. I don’t suppose any of the old crowd even remember us.
EC). But when my grandfather built this house, the name of Carbunkle was famous throughout the land! We dominated the market in ointments, salves and medicinal creams! Every day, thousands of British men and women said to themselves ‘Thank goodness for Carbunkles!’”.
CC comes over to EC, puts arm round him). I know, my dear. But it does no good to dwell on the past. We must be grateful for what little we have left. If it were not for the royalties on that acne-cream that ICI brought, we would have no income at all.”
EC, moodily). Must you remind me of that? They got that from us at a rock-bottom price because we couldn’t sell the damn stuff. Now they make a fortune on it and we get a pittance!
CC). I don’t think we marketed it properly.
EC). There was nothing wrong with our marketing! We had a great slogan – ‘Cover your Zits with Carbunkles’.”
CC). Face it, darling. Carbunkles just failed to move with the times. We were an old family firm, and we couldn’t compete with the big multinationals.
EC, darkly). Not all the family firms have gone. Our greatest rivals are still in business!
CC). Yes, but that proves my point. They moved on, went into partnership with other firms, changed their business methods, their products – even their name! Instead of the old-fashioned Boyle & Gout, Ltd, they are now British Skin Diseases! Much more modern!
EC). Well, none of that would have made any difference if Ambrose hadn’t disappeared!
CC, throwing up her arms in disgust & moving away). So we’re back to that, are we? Eric, how do you know it would have made any difference at all?
EC). Ambrose and I may not have got on well, but give him his due, he was a brilliant chemist. I think he was working on something remarkable – something that would have put Carbunkles back on top and made us a fortune!
CC). Yes, I know you’ve always believed that. But face facts, Eric – there’s no proof! We went through his office and his flat after he disappeared – searched all his papers and notes – but there was nothing to be found! If he had some great secret, he took it with him when he vanished!
EC). Perhaps not, Cecily. Perhaps not.
CC). What do you mean, Eric?
EC, producing letter from pocket). This came yesterday, while you were out.
CC). A letter? Read it to me!
EC). ‘If you wish to learn more concerning Ambrose Carbunkle, be prepared to receive me at Carbunkle Hall on Friday 15th Feburary, at 8.00 p.m. sharp.’ Just that one line of typing – no return address. And a type-written name: Silas Iscolden.
CC) That’s tonight!
EC). Just so.
CC, suspiciously). This all sounds most unlikely, Eric! Why should we believe that this person knows anything at all about Ambrose?
EC). My very thought, Cecily dear. But – this was in with the letter (hands CC small piece of paper).
CC). But – surely this is Ambrose’s handwriting!
EC). I think it is. And read what it says!
CC, reading). ‘Formula, Preparation X: for treatment of …’ (turns paper over) Is that all there is?
EC, nodding). It seems so. Perhaps this Silas Iscolden has the rest of the paper – in which case there may be hope for the Carbunkles yet!
CC). Oh darling – could it be so? (Pauses thoughtfully. Somehow it seems too good to be true. Can we trust this man?
EC, shrugs). I don’t know, my dear – but what have we got to lose?
CC). I suppose you’re right. But it sounds very suspicious to me. For this to happen five years to the day after Ambrose vanished cannot be a coincidence! And that name – Silas Iscolden … somehow I feel that it must have some hidden meaning, though I cannot see what that might be.”
EC). Well, it’s nearly eight now, so perhaps we shall know more shortly.
CC). If we are to have guests once more, then we had better show some hospitality – ring for the Maid, please, Eric.
EC). Certainly, dear. (Lifts small bell from table and rings it. Possibility for comic sound effects – huge booming gong noise or similar. EC, hesitatingly) Cecily, dearest – one other thing … I’ve invited Katerina to join us.”
CC, annoyed). You’ve invited that Gout women into our home? Whatever for, Eric! You know I can’t stand her!
EC). Yes, yes, my dear. But she was Ambrose’s fiancé, after all. Surely, if there is any news of him, she has a right to know?”
CC). I know you always had a soft spot for her! And Ambrose was besotted. But I never trusted the little minx! She was just trying to get Ambrose to work for her father, old Ebenezer Gout. Mark my words, Eric!
EC). It hardly matters, now, does it?
Maid, Mildred, enters, at a slow shuffle). You rang, sir?
EC). Oh yes. We’re expecting visitors at eight, Mildred. Perhaps you could make some tea, put out a few biscuits?
CC). Better put out the best service, Mildred. It’s so rare we get visitors, we must try and make a good impression.
M). Yes Ma’m. Would that be the tiny silver pot with the cracked china top, or the large brown pot with the spout falling out?
EC). Why has the silver pot got a china top?
M). We sold the silver pot top to buy a job lot of hot pot.
CC). What happened to the china pot?
M). The china pot got too hot and I dropped the lot.
EC). Er – well, in that case I suppose it had better be the large brown pot.
CC). What’s the problem with the spout?
M). When I dropped the pot I lashed out and dislodged the spout.
EC). Oh, well, you’ll just have to do your best with it, Mildred.
M). Very well sir. And what biscuits would you like? We have some badly broken bourbons, some cracked cream crackers, or some dodgy jammy dodgers.
EC, looking harassed) Just bring some of everything, Mildred. (Exit M. Distant knocking or doorbell). That must be Katerina now. Please try and be nice, Cecily. And remember she hates being called Kate or Katy!
EC exits. CC goes to bar, pours drink. EC voice off). Come in, Katerina, come in. Terrible weather – let me take your coat. Go on through, Cecily’s expecting you.
Katerina Gout enters. A younger women, smartly dressed).
CC – stage whisper). Well, look at the Kat my husband dragged in.
KG) Good evening, Cecily.
CC). Hello, Katerina. My, that is a nice outfit you’re wearing.
KG, surprised). Why – thank you, Cecily.
CC). You’re welcome. In fact, I think I used to have one like that myself. When they were in fashion.
KG, sweetly). You’re looking very good yourself, Cecily. I always said that black suited the older women. (Or ‘stripes suit the fuller figure’ – depending on costume!).
EC enters). Well, I see you two are getting re-acquainted.
CC). Yes, I’m having a nice little chat with Catty. Sorry, Katy.
EC). Yes – well – ah – drink, Katy - Katerina? Or Mildred’s bringing some tea in a few moments.
KG). I’ll wait for the tea, thank you, Eric, since I’m driving.
CC). Saucer of milk, if you like.
KG). Still knocking back the gin, Cishely?
EC, intervening loudly before Cecily can reply). Thanks for coming over, Katerina, especially on such an awful night.
KG). Actually, I was planning to visit you anyway.
CC). You were? Why?
KG). I had a letter yesterday. Not long before you called me, Eric. From someone with the rather strange name of ‘Silas Iscolden’.
EC & CC glance at each other in surprise. EC). What did it say?
KG). Just one line. ‘If you wish to learn more concerning your fiancé, Ambrose, be at Carbunkle Hall on Friday 15th Feburary, by 8.00 p.m.’ I would have dismissed it as some sort of sick joke, except that in with the letter was this piece of paper.’ (takes out paper, hands it to EC, who looks at it and shows it to CC). It’s some sort of chemical formula. Incomplete, of course. But it’s definitely Ambrose’s handwriting. So – do you know what this is all about, Eric.
EC). Not much more than you. We had a very similar letter - and a similar piece of paper. Look! (Shows his paper).
CC). It looks like the same sort of paper. Very good quality.
KG). Ambrose kept a private dairy with paper like this. Oh – do you suppose he’s been found? I can hardly bear to hope … (Snort from CC) Oh, I know you never believed it, Cecily, but I truly loved him. And I believe he loved me! I was always certain that something dreadful had happened to him. I know the Police thought he’d simply left me, but I could never believe that he would do that.
CC). Can you make anything of this formula, Eric?
EC, peering at paper). Not really. I’m afraid I was never strong on that side of things, anyway. I did the management, and left the lab work to Ambrose. But it does look like something medicinal.
KG). I’m sure it is. I know he was working on something very special.
CC, suspiciously). How much do you know about that?
KG – evasively). Not much. He never went into details ... What’s the time now? It must be nearly eight?
EC). Just a few minutes. (Knocking on door). That may be the man now! (Exits. CC & EG give each other hostile stares).
CC). You may fool my husband, Katy Gout, but don’t think you pull the wool over my eyes! If anyone knows anything about Ambrose’s disappearance, it’s you. I don’t need any mysterious stranger to come and tell me that!
KG). And don’t think you fool me, Cecily! I know you always took me for a gold-digger, and I know why! You think I’m just like you!
CC). What on earth is that supposed to mean?
KG). Oh, every one knows you only married Eric for his money! And then watched him lose it all!
CC). That’s a wicked lie! I’ll have you know that I come from a very old and respectable family. I had no need of Eric’s money: I married him for love!
KG). Really? And which family was that, Cecily? I can’t remember you ever mentioned them before! Would I know them, do you think?
CC). Perhaps, perhaps not. I’m a Vane by birth: we are a small family, but very close knit.
EG). Well how ever old and respectable your very close Vanes are, you’ve no reason to look down on us Gouts!
CC). Well let me tell you something ... (interrupted by return of EG).
EG). Cecily – Katerina – it seems we have another unexpected guest! (turns and beckons to door. A young man enters).
KG). Good heavens! Its Shingles, isn’t it? Peter Shingles?
CC). Ambrose’s research assistant! What on earth are you doing here?
PS). Well – I had this letter ... (takes it out of his pocket).
EC). Another communication from the mysterious Mr. Iscolden, I presume?
PS). Why yes. It instructed me to be here tonight at 8.00 p.m.
KG). And was there anything else with it?
PS). Indeed there was! A piece of paper from the private diary of my old friend and boss, Ambrose Carbunkle. I recognised his writing at once. It concerns the last thing he was working on before his disappearance!
CC). Did it have a formula?
PS). No. It seems to be a suggestion for a marketing slogan – here, sir, take a look yourself. (Hands paper to EC).
EC. Reads). My God! It’s true! He’d done it!
CC). Done what?
EC). He’d found it! The Holy Grail of external-use medical research! (Hands paper to CC).
CC, reading). ‘From Piles to Smiles in one Application’. Eric – does this mean what I think it means?
EC). Yes, my dear! A cure for Haemorrhoids!
KG, taking paper). But this is wonderful! If Ambrose had found that – why, it would have been the pinnacle of his life’s work!
EC). It would have been the salvation of the Company!
CC). It would meant relief for the masses! But – Mr Shingles – did you know that this was what he was working on?
PS). I suspected it. But Ambrose was very secretive about his research, and especially so with this one. He worked entirely alone on this project – even I was never permitted to assist. It was, I suspect, a very personal matter for him.
EC). Personal matter? What do you mean by that?
PS). Let’s just say that I hadn’t seen him sit down in years.
KG). Oh, my poor darling! How he must have suffered! But he never said a word to me.
PS). No, I think he preferred to keep it … covered up. He was a very private man, as you know. I was as close to him as anyone, but even with me he would never admit to any weakness or failing.
CC). But this makes his disappearance even more tragic! For such a thing to happen when he was on the verge of such a great breakout – I mean, breakthrough.
KG). Oh, I do hope that this man Iscolden can shed some light on the matter.
EC). Well, we shall know shortly – look, it’s just coming up to eight now….
(Clock begins to strike 8. At the first stroke, all lights go out. Cries of alarm all round. At the last stroke, the lights come back on, to reveal Silas Iscolden standing by the window. He is wearing a coat with the collar turned up, a brimmed hat pulled down low, dark glasses and possibly a scarf, if that doesn’t muffle his voice. The general effect is to disguise his appearance. It also reduces his vision, so that he tends to bump into items of furniture as he moves around the stage, to comic effect. His appearance provokes gasps and possible little screams from the others).
EC). I – I presume you must be Mr. Iscolden.
SI) Yes, Eric Carbunkle. It is indeed I! Silas Iscolden: Investigator of Mysteries, Uncoverer of Secrets, Searcher of Hidden Places, and Delver into the Depths of Shadows!
CC). That’s all very well, but I don’t see why you can’t just ring the bell and come through the door like everyone else.
SI). That is precisely why, Cecily Carbunkle. Silas Iscolden does not do things ‘like everybody else’. Silas Iscolden does not enter through doors. Doors are watched! Doors are used! People entering through doors may be seen! But not Silas Iscolden! Silas Iscolden is a shadow, a wraith: he comes and goes, he goes and comes…
KG, stage whisper). He goes on and on.
SI, ignoring interruption). No one sees Silas Iscolden. But he sees – everything! (Trips and falls, disappearing behind the sofa).
CC). Oh, do watch out for that rug.
PS, helps SI to his feet. SI). Ah, Peter Shingles. Ambrose Carbuncle’s Laboratory Assistant – and so-called friend.
PS). What do you mean, ‘so-called’? I was his friend!
SI, ignoring PS, turning to KG) And the lovely Katerina Gout. The fiancé.
KG). Oh, Mr Iscolden – do you have news of my lost love?
SI). All in good time, Miss Gout. All in good time. (Turns to survey the others). So, now you are all gathered: the principle players in the story of Ambrose Carbunkle.
CC). Yes, and now that you’ve got us all here, what do you have to tell us?
EC). You can start by telling us where you got that page from Ambrose’s notes – and what you’ve done with the rest of it!
SI). Is that your sole concern, Eric? To get your hands on Ambrose’s formula? Are you not concerned as to the fate of your cousin?
EC). Er – well, yes, of course. But the formula? Is it genuine?
SI). We will get to that in due course. But first, there are questions to be answered, secrets to be revealed! Five years ago this very night, a dark and terrible deed was done! The truth of that has been hidden in lies and deceit - but now the time has come for truth to be revealed! Prepare yourself, for the deepest and most searching questions will be asked!
M, entering with tray). Tea or coffee?
Lights fade, curtain falls.
Scene 2. Same room a few minutes later. Everyone except Mildred present and now sitting, finishing off tea & biscuits.
CC). So, Mr. Iscolden - you said you had some questions?
SI). Indeed I do, Mrs Carbunkle. My researches have uncovered many things about those strange and tragic events of five years past: but there are still a few loose ends to tie up. .Starting with you, Mr. Carbunkle!
EC). Me? What can I tell you? Ambrose’s disappearance was as big a mystery to me as to everyone else.
SI). Indeed? But did you not receive a telephone call from Ambrose Carbunkle on the very evening of his disappearance?
EC). Yes, I did. At about four o’clock that afternoon. But I told the Police about that. All he said was that he was coming to see me on a matter of urgency.
SI). And you’re sure that that was all he said?
EC). Yes. Absolutely.
SI). Quite a short conversation, then.
EC). I suppose so.
SI). Rather strange, then, that according to the telephone records, your conversation lasted nearly half an hour!
(Shocked gasps all round. EC). How could you possibly know that? The Police …
SI, interrupting). The Police were rather busy at the time, if you recall. Two murders, a string of aggravated burglaries, and a particularly serious outbreak of pick-pocketing! They saw no reason to question your story – but I dug a little deeper!
EC). Yes, well, we may have chatted for a while.
SI, laughing). Chatted? Come, now, Mr Carbunkle. It’s well known that you and Ambrose had little time for each other! You wouldn’t have spent a minute longer than you had to in conversation with him.
KG). That’s true! Ambrose often told me how rudely you would cut him off when you were speaking.
EC, defensively). OK, so we didn’t have much in common. To be honest, Katerina, he was a boring sod. Always on about his own genius in the lab, and spouting formulas at me.
CC). So what did you talk about, Eric.
EC). If you must know, he was making some quite absurd demands.
SI). Of what nature?
EC). He told me he’d had enough of playing second fiddle! He wanted an equal partnership in the business, to be a co-director! What’s more, he told me that if I didn’t agree, he would leave Carbunkle’s and take his latest development elsewhere!
CC). What did you say to that?
EC). I told him that he couldn’t do that. Anything he’d developed in the Carbunkle Laboratory was Carbunkle property. And as for being co-director – he knew nothing about that side of the business! He should be content with his position in the Lab.
PS). He wouldn’t have liked that. He was always complaining that you held him back, and that since it was a family business he should have an equal share in it.
EC). No, he didn’t like it at all. He ranted on in that vein for some time. Finally, I said that I wouldn’t hear any more. He said that when I’d seen his latest product, I would be falling over myself to give him what he wanted, and that he’d come up to the Hall that very night to show me!
SI). And then what?
EC). Then he hung up. And you know the rest. I hung around waiting for him all night, but he didn’t show. Next day, the Police came round and told me his car had been found abandoned on the road across the moors, ten miles from here. And that’s all I know about it!
SI) Really? And why should we believe you, Eric Carbunkle? You lied to the Police about this – what more did you conceal?
EC). Dammit, man – I didn’t lie! I was just – ah – ‘economical with the truth’ I think the phrase is. After all, what difference did it make? Ambrose’s disappearance was nothing to do with that conversation!
SI) Perhaps. Perhaps not…. We will return to that. But now we must consider the other telephone call that Ambrose made that night!
KG gives little gasp and puts hands over mouth).
CC). What phone call? No other telephone call was ever mentioned.
SI). Not mentioned, no. But those telephone records are very revealing. Do you want to tell us anything, Katerina?
(Silence as everyone looks at KG, who then lowers her hands). Yes – very well, it’s true. Ambrose did call me that night.
SI). At what time?
KG). About half-past four, I think. It must have been just after he finished speaking to you, Eric. And that explains why he sounded so angry. He was convinced that you were cheating him out of his rightful share in the business, and that he would never get the credit he deserved. He was furious about his conversation with you. He said that he was on his way to have it out with you for once and for all, and if you didn’t promise to share the company with him, then he’d go and work for my father at Boyle & Gout’s!
CC, triumphantly). There! I knew it! That’s what you were after all along, wasn’t it, Katy Grout?
KG). No it wasn’t – and that’s why I never mentioned this before. I knew you’d take this attitude, Cecily! But it’s just not true. I never tried to persuade him to go to my father – that was all his idea!
SI). So you never said anything like: ‘At Boyle & Gout’s you’d be given a directorship for your achievements?’ Or ‘my father says you’re the most brilliant mind in medicinal chemistry in this generation?’ ‘If only you worked for my father, you’d be properly appreciated?”
KG). How could you possibly know…? Alright, yes, I may have said something like that, on occasion. But that was just to encourage poor Ambrose! He got so depressed, sometimes. I couldn’t bear seeing him like that. I had to say something to give him more self confidence. I never meant to make him split from his family! (Head in hands, starts to sob).
CC). Hah!
SI). So… whatever the truth of your motives, Ms. Gout, we now know that Ambrose was speaking to you until – when did the conversation end?
KG, wiping eyes). About quarter to five, I think.
SI). And he was speaking to you from his flat in Flaking, was he not?
KG). I think so. He said something about going to get his car out of the garage, and that he was going to leave at once.
EC). Hang on a minute. It’s only fifteen miles from Flaking to Carbunkle Hall. If he’d left his flat as soon as he’d talked to Katerina, he could have been here by twenty past five at the latest!
CC). But the Police said his car couldn’t have been abandoned before nine-thirty. A patrol car went past the spot about then, and there was nothing there!
EC). We assumed that he must have set out much later….but if this is correct, what on earth was he doing for nearly five hours?
SI). An excellent question. Perhaps you can help us with that – Peter Shingles!
PS). Me? I didn’t receive any phone calls!
SI). No, indeed. But – where were you on that fateful night?
PS). I – I was at home. I went to bed early, I had a headache.
SI). Yes, that’s what you told the Police. But, tell me this: If you were at home in bed – why was your car at the Carbunkles Factory?
(Shocked gasps all round. PS). No – that’s not true!
SI) The Security Staff at Carbunkles log the registration number of every vehicle that leaves or enters the factory outside of normal working hours! Your vehicle was recorded as entering at a quarter to six that night!
PS). Well – I – er – went back to the lab to – to get something for my headache!
SI). Really? No aspirin at home? No Paracetemol … or was it such a terrible headache that it needed the full resources of a modern pharmaceutical laboratory to cure it?
PS). I wanted to finish a bit of work.
SI). Oh, another story now! First you lie to the Police – now you lie to us. What’s the truth of the matter, eh? What was your real reason for being at the Lab so late?
(PS says nothing. SI). Not talking? Well, we can come back to that. The real question is, not why you were there – but who you met!
PS). No one!
SI). Really? How strange. Security records Ambrose Carbunkle’s car as entering the factory fifteen minutes after yours! (SI comes close to PS). He came to the Lab that night, didn’t he? While you were there – supposedly working late on your headache potion! You saw him didn’t you? DIDN’T YOU PETER SHINGLES!
PS). Yes! Yes - alright, I did! I saw him!
SI) Much better, Peter. Now, why don’t you tell us what you talked about?
PS). We didn’t talk much at all. He was surprised to see me, of course. I started to tell him what I was doing, but he … he said he didn’t care, and that I had to go.
EC). Did he tell you why he was there? Was it about his haemorrhoid formula?
PS). He didn’t say. I asked if I could help with anything, but he just told me to get out, that he didn’t need my help. He was very excited. He went on about how he didn’t need anybody, he didn’t need Eric. He said he didn’t need Carbunkles at all and if Eric got in his way, he’d ditch the lot of us!
KG). What on earth did he mean by that?
CC). Well, that’s obvious! He was planning to go over to Boyle and Grout!
EC). Did he say that?
PS). Not in so many words. But he said that he’d get the recognition he deserved, and if he didn’t get it, than he’d take what he had – he was waving his notebook at me as he said it – and go elsewhere!
SI). And then what?
PS). He pushed me out of the lab. Literally! Pushed me out, shut the door in my face!
SI) How did you react to that?
PS). Well, I was upset, naturally. I – I hammered on the door, demanding an explanation, but he ignored me. So in the end I just went home. I thought I’d have it out with him the next day – but of course, I never saw him again.
EC). He must have been making up a batch of his special formula! Something to show me, perhaps?
KG). The timing fits. But – one thing I don’t understand. Why didn’t the Police find out about this? However busy they were, they would surely have considered the possibility that Ambrose might have visited his lab. Why didn’t they check the Security records? And – Peter – why on earth did you lie to them about it?
CC). I don’t think we really need to go into that now, do we. Hardly important… would anyone like a drink?
EC). Hang on Cecily. I think Katerina has a good point.
SI). A very good point, I’d say! Why did you lie, Peter? Was it, perhaps, because you had something to do with Ambrose’s disappearance?
PS). No – no of course not! He was my friend!
SI). A friend who had just thrown you out of the lab! A friend who had just made a revolutionary breakthrough, and as good as told you that you weren’t going to have any share in it! That must have made you angry, Peter! Angry enough, perhaps, to go back into the lab and attack him?
PS). NO! No, I never harmed Ambrose! I don’t know what happened to him! It was nothing to do with me!
SI). No? Then perhaps it was the other person there!
EC). Another person? Who on earth was that?
SI). Someone who had sufficient influence at the factory to cause the Security Records to disappear! Somebody who’s car was also there that night!
EC). But who on earth could that have been?
SI). Five minutes before Peter Shingles arrived at the factory, another car was logged in. This car had the registration Ess-Pee-Oh-Tee-Eee-One!
EC, slowly). SPOT E1! But Cecily – that’s your car!
Lights fade, close curtain.
(END OF ACT 1).
ACT 2, Scene 1. The lounge at Carbunkle Hall. Positions as before.
CC). Oh, Eric, darling ... Please let me explain. It wasn’t what you think!
EC). Really? And what am I supposed to think? What on earth could you be doing, meeting that man out at the factory? And on a night, when – unless I’m much mistaken – you informed me that you were attending a Women’s Institute lecture on ‘Exotic Jam Making’.
KG). Well, that’s a new name for it, Cecily.
CC). Eric – I’m so sorry.
EC) But why, Cecily? Why? And with Peter Shingles of all people!
PS). Hang on – what’s that supposed to mean?
EC). It means that if my wife is going to have an affair, I would at least expect her to have it with someone from her own social class! Not to go around consorting with the Lab Assistant!
PS). Affair? Don’t be daft, there wasn’t an affair. Your wife was – well – I was helping her out with a - ah - small problem she had.
EC). What? Cecily – what’s he talking about?
CC). I – well, there was something I didn’t want you to know about.
EC). I think that’s obvious!
CC). No, not that! I suppose I should have told you the truth from the start. But I was so ashamed. Eric, I have ... dandruff!
EC). Cecily!
CC). Yes, I’m afraid it’s true. I know you thought I was just going prematurely white, but in fact I’ve had this problem for years.
EC). I can’t believe it! Surely I would have noticed something.
CC). I did everything I could to keep you from noticing! Didn’t you ever wonder why I always refused to have pillow cases in anything but white?
EC). And is that why you always wear that balaclava?
CC). Just so, Eric darling. I know it was foolish, to hide this from you – but I could not bear to have you think of me as flakey.
EC). Darling, you should have trusted me!
CC). Yes, I realise that now. But I thought I could deal with it on my own, that you’d never have to know. I tried all the remedy’s I could find, but none were very successful. I needed something more effective. That’s why I went to Peter Shingles for help. I knew he could be trusted, and he had access to the lab. That’s why I met him there that night. He was going to give me a new anti-dandruff formula that he had been working on.
EC). But Ambrose turned up as well!
CC). Yes. It was an ugly scene. He came to the same conclusion as you did. I tried to explain, but he just laughed and said that he might just mention it to you when he saw you later. Then he threw us both out!
EC). I see. And then when Ambrose disappeared …
CC). I realised that if ever this came out, it would give me a motive for causing that disappearance! I spoke to Peter, told him what to say to the Police. I took the security logs, and swore the guard to silence!
EC). Well… that’s… quite a story.
CC). If you want proof, you only have to look in my balaclava! (Pulls it off and offers it to him: EC declines). But I swear to you, Eric, it’s all happened just as I said. I was not having an affair with Peter Shingles, and I had nothing to do with Ambrose’s disappearance!
EC). Oh, Cecily, Cecily my love! (Goes and hugs her, touches her hair then surreptitiously wipes his hand). Of course I believe you.
SI). This is all very touching, but I think there are still some questions to be answered here! For example – if the real reason for this meeting was Cecily’s – problem – why go to Peter Shingles about it? Why not ask Ambrose for help? After all, it was Ambrose who was the genius! If anyone could have cured your dandruff, Cecily, surely it was him?
CC). I’m afraid that I didn’t really trust Ambrose. I knew all about the friction between him and Eric, of course. I was afraid that if he learned of my weakness, he would use it in some way to further his own ambitions.
PS). And in any case, Ambrose wouldn’t have been the best person to help her. He was better at coming up with snappy slogans than actually developing effective treatments!
SI, sharply). What do you mean by that?
PS). Simply this – Ambrose Carbunkle was not the genius everyone thought he was!
General shock & outrage. KG). How dare you say such a thing!
EC). Come on, now, Shingles! I didn’t get along with Ambrose, but even I never doubted that he was the best research chemist in the country!
PS). Oh, I don’t deny that he had talent! In particular, he had a flair for seeing what the market needed and coming up with it first! He had some brilliant ideas. But he wasn’t so good at working out the details! That was where I came in, you see. Ambrose would have some fantastic idea for a product, and even work out a formula: but then I would have to go through it, test it, experiment with it and actually make it work!
SI). That’s nonsense! Nonsense! You’re just jealous of Ambrose’s ability. You merely carried out his instructions, nothing more!
PS). On the contrary! Without me none of his brilliant ideas would have been any good at all! And he knew it! In the beginning, when we first met and began working together, he used to talk about how good a team we made, and how well we worked together! We were friends then … for my part, we could have carried on as friends. But, more and more he insisted on taking all the credit, and more and more he began to resent my input. Finally, he got to the point where he wouldn’t even show me what he was working on.
EC). The haemorrhoid project!
PS). I presume so. I knew he had something big, and he was looking for a cure for it. I begged him to let me see his formula, but he refused to even discuss it. Frankly, I was worried about what might happen if he released a product that I hadn’t checked over.
SI). Or perhaps you were worried that he might finally prove, once and for all, that you weren’t needed!
PS). No – that’s not true!
SI). You couldn’t bear that thought, could you! You would have done anything to prevent Ambrose being a success without you – isn’t that right?
PS). No … really …
SI). And even better if you could steal his formula as well, and claim it as your own work! Except you didn’t know that there was only one copy of that formula, the one in his personal diary, which he kept with him at all times! I’d say that you had every reason for making Ambrose disappear!
KG). Peter! Did you do it?
PS). NO!
EC). I must say, Shingles, it is a good point. You did have motive.
SI). Ah, yes – but then, so did you, Eric Carbunkle!
EC). Me - but …
SI). You knew that Ambrose was going to demand more share in the management of the company – perhaps an equal partnership – in return for his new formula. But you would never be willing to give him that! You hated him already, and you had no intention of sharing either your power or your position with him. Much better from your point of view if Ambrose would just conveniently disappear. Leaving his formula behind, of course! Perhaps you thought that he’d shared his work with Peter Shingles, as usual?
EC). This is nonsense!
CC). Really, Mr. Isgolden, I assure you that my husband had nothing to do with it!
SI). Indeed? Well, in that case, perhaps it was you, Cecily Carbunkle!
CC). What? How dare you make such a suggestion!
SI). Come, now, Cecily. You’ve made it clear to us all what your motive would be. Ambrose had stumbled on your sordid little secret, and he was going to reveal it to Eric. You didn’t even care about the formula – you just wanted him out of the way!
CC). But …
SI). Which brings us to the last of our little group – the lovely Katerina!
KG). Me! But why should I, of all people, want Ambrose to disappear? I loved him! It broke my heart when he vanished!
SI). Did it really, Katerina? Or was it the vanished haemorrhoid formula that broke your heart?
KG). Oh – what a cruel and evil suggestion! Why would I care about the dammed formula?
SI). Why? Because Boyle and Gout cared very much about it! Your only real interest in Ambrose was to get him to join your family firm! You never really loved him – you just wanted his genius!
KG – bursts into tears). That’s a lie! A wicked, wicked lie!
SI). All those years you spent, patiently working to your goal of making him a Boyle and Gout employee! All suddenly threatened when he told you his plans! Were you afraid that Eric would give in to Ambrose’s demands? Did you realise that if Ambrose finally got the recognition he deserved, all your scheming and planning would have been wasted? Did you decide it would be better to be rid of Ambrose altogether and just take his haemorrhoid formula back to your family?
KG). No, no that’s not true, I would never harm my dear Ambrose!
SI). So you say. But, you had motive! (Looking round the room). You all had motive! And one of you – one of you four gathered her tonight – is the person responsible for what happened to Ambrose Carbunkle, five years ago this very night!
EC). How dare you! Just who do you think you are, coming here like this, raking up the past and making such outrageous suggestions!
KG). Yes – that’s a very good question, Eric. Just who are you, and how come you know so much about these things? And in particular, how do you know the details of private conversations I had with my fiancé?
CC). I’d like to know how you found out the contents of that Security Log? I destroyed it! There’s no way anyone could have found out what was in it!
PS). Come to think of it – how could you have known that Ambrose’s formula was only written in his diary? Even if you found the diary itself?
SI). Ah, very perceptive of you all. Perhaps now it’s time to reveal the truth! (removes hat, coat, glasses, scarf, etc). Well, have I changed much in five years?
EC, CC, KG, PS). Ambrose!
Lights fade, curtain falls
Act II, Scene 2. The same, a moment later: KG has gone over to SI and as the scene opens, hesitantly reaches out and touches his face..
KG). I can hardly believe it. You have changed. Yet it is you! At last – after this time – Ambrose! (Hugs SI).
SI, peeling KG off him). The very same. Though I prefer it if you continued to call me Silas. It is, after all, the name I have lived under for the past five years.
KG, still trying to hold on to SI). But, darling, what happened to you? Where have you been all this time?
SI, pushing her away). Spare me the ‘darling’, Katerina! You already know the suspicions I have of you! (KG, looking hurt, sits down again). As for what happened to me … You have heard the truth of what occurred that night, up to the point where I ejected Cecily and Peter from the Lab. (And what their real purpose there was is something I neither know nor care about. But it was the first time I’d ever seen Cecily naked from the neck up!).
CC). He had to examine my scalp!
SI). Whatever. After they had left, I went to my safe and took out a sample of the haemorrhoid treatment that I had previously prepared. I also took my notebook which, as I have said, contained the only copy of the formula. With these I set off to Carbunkle Hall, intending to present my ultimatum to Eric.
EC). But you never arrived.
SI). Indeed not. I was somewhat delayed. As Peter has already informed you, my quest for an effective haemorrhoid treatment had a – ah – personal aspect. Driving, in particular, had become more difficult over the years. And on this particular night, in my haste to get here, I had forgotten my special cushion. The upshot was, by the time I was half-way to the Hall, I was suffering extreme discomfort. Desperate for relief, I pulled over and did the only thing possible: I used the formula!
PS). But – that was incredibly dangerous! It hadn’t been checked – it hadn’t been tested!
SI). Oh, had no concerns about that! In spite of all your misgivings, I was entirely confident of my own abilities. I knew that my formula would work. And what better way to demonstrate it to Eric?
KG). But – something went wrong?
SI). Yes, Katerina. Something went wrong.
EC). So the formula didn’t work after all?
SI). There was nothing wrong with the formula! But I had failed to anticipate – sabotage!
CC). Sabotage! Ambrose – I mean, Silas – what happened?
SI). I – I don’t remember much, from that point. I applied the salve, and there was some relief, so I drove on. But then things become confused. At some point I must have abandoned the car and wandered off across the moors. I don’t know how far I walked or for how long. But when I finally came to myself I was cold, wet, and lost. And, more significantly – I had no memory!
KG) What do you mean?
SI). Amnesia, my dear. I had absolutely no idea of my name, or where I came from, or anything. I was a man without a past.
PS). But how – oh, my God! The formula.
SI). Exactly so. The formula – or rather, the sample that I had prepared and used on myself. Somehow, it had been tampered with! Someone had adulterated it, mixed in other drugs. Whether their intent was to kill me outright or merely to incapacitate me, I cannot say: but the result was effective enough! To all intents and purposes, Ambrose Carbunkle had ceased to exist!
EC). But what happened then? I mean – surely, you had documents on you – your wallet? Some means of proving your identity?
SI). It seems not. Apparently, in my haste to confront you, Eric, I had rushed out without anything that could identify me. My keys and so on were left in the car: I had nothing on me except my diary (which had no name or address in it) and the small sample tube of prepared haemorrhoid treatment.
CC). But surely – the Police would have helped…
SI). I didn’t go to the Police, Cecily. Instead, as I wandered the moors in my dazed and confused condition, I stumbled across a wandering band of pickpockets. Once they had ascertained that I had nothing of value on me, and that I had no knowledge of who I was, they took me in: and so began my new life!
KG). Ambrose – you became a pickpocket?
SI). It’s Silas, Katerina. My new friends gave me a new name, to go with my new identity and new life. The pickpocketing fraternity use ancient traditional names such as Keith Yermothshut, Emma Sayin-Nowt, Andy Snotalkin or Wanda Brief. I was proud to be known among them as Silas Iscolden.
KG). But pick-pocketing is criminal!
SI). Please, there’s no need to be offensive! Terms like ‘criminal’ are considered amongst us to be both ignorant and prejudiced. We prefer to call ourselves ‘Relief Operatives’.
EC). Relief Operatives?
SI). That’s right. We relieve people of things, and in doing so, we make a valuable contribution to the community as a whole. Why, just consider the demand we generate for new wallets and purses! That alone is a significant economic factor. But I digress. I soon found that I had an aptitude for my new life. I settled in well amongst them, and grew to enjoy it! It’s a rewarding lifestyle – every day a different town, every moment a new pocket. And I might well have continued happily in that for many more years to come.
CC). Except that somehow, you regained your memory.
SI). Yes, exactly. It happened that the clothes I had been wearing on the night of my disappearance had been kept for me, should I ever feel the need to go back. I happened to dig out my old jacket to use for practicing my inner-pocket technique. And inside it I found the sample tube and my diary.
PS). What – you mean no one had stolen it?
SI). Certainly not! We’re not common thieves!
PS). Sorry – my mistake.
SI). At first, of course, nothing in the diary made sense. But as I puzzled my way through the pages, it started to come back to me. I remembered Carbunkles! I remembered the lab, and my former life as Ambrose Carbunkle … and it was then that I realised what must have happened, and how I had been betrayed and brought low, at the very moment of my greatest triumph!
EC). Well – this is an incredible story. But do I understand from this that you blame us for what happened to you?
SI). It had to be one of you four! Consider – I have already shown how each of you had motive – but you also had opportunity!
CC). What on earth do you mean?
SI). Whoever sabotaged the haemorrhoid sample I used would have had to have access to the lab and to my safe. Of these, Eric is the most obvious one – as Managing Director, he had access to every part of the factory, and all the keys, even those of my safe!
EC). Now, just a minute …
SI). Of course, he doesn’t know so much about the technical side of pharmaceuticals , but what off it? All he add to do was mix in a few random chemicals and leave the rest to chance!
EC). I did nothing of the sort!
SI). Really? Then perhaps it was your wife. After all, Cecily has as much access to the keys as you had! Or, again, it could have been my Assistant and so-called friend, Peter Shingles. He had not only the access, but the knowledge as well. He would have known just what to mix in to the sample to have the desired effect.
KG). Well you can’t accuse me of any of this. I was never in your factory, let alone your lab!
SI). Not officially, no. But you had plenty of opportunities during our relationship to copy my keys! It wouldn’t have been difficult for you to sneak into that night – and with your background in the family business, you would have had no trouble in sabotaging my sample!
KG). No! No – I swear to you, I didn’t – I wouldn’t!
SI). Well one of you did! And – who knows – perhaps more than one of you were involved! Perhaps the plot against me involved you all.
EC). Preposterous!
CC). Is this why you’ve come back? To discover the truth?
SI, smiling unpleasantly). Not just that Cecily. Oh no. When I have learned who it was that sought to destroy – then, my dear lady, I will have my revenge!
KG). Oh! But – Ambrose! Don’t you want to come back to your former life – and come back to me, your true love?
SI). Come back? No, I have no desire to do that! But there is a debt of honour to be paid here!
CC). I don’t understand. What do you mean.
SI). When my memory returned, I talked the matter over with the head of our clan, the Don.
PS). Don?
SI). Yes. Don Talktothefuzz. He pointed out to me that there was a matter to be resolved here: the insult to me, the attempt on my life, must be avenged! Such is the code that I now follow. So, I made my plans, and brought you all here! (Produces notebook from pocket, opens it to inner page). Not very difficult, when I sent you all pages from my old notebook – pages with information about the missing haemorrhoid formula. I knew that your greed would do the rest. And here you will stay until one of you confesses!
EC). But what if none of us does?
SI). Then I must consider you all guilty – and take my revenge on you all!
KG). Revenge? Whatever do you mean?
SI). Tosses notebook down – close to PS – and produces small container). What I mean, Katerina, is that I shall treat you all as you treated me!
CC). But – do you mean – is that …
SI). The very same! The sabotaged haemorrhoid salve that, five years ago, wiped out both my haemorrhoids and my memories.
EC). You monster! You fiend! I don’t even have haemorrhoids!
SI, with evil laugh). Eric, you won’t even remember what haemorrhoids are! Or Carbunkles, either!
PS). But – this is madness! That damn stuff had terrible effects on you five years ago and who knows what chemical reactions may have occurred since then! It could do more than wipe our minds – it may be a deadly poison by now!
SI). Peter – I’m disappointed in you. Have you lost your taste for exciting experiments? I haven’t, I assure you!
KG). You’re mad! That evil stuff did more than take your memories, it turned you insane!
SI). On the contrary, my dear Katerina. I see things more clearly now than ever! I know that you are all my enemies, and I must destroy you all!
EC). And do you think that we’re just going to let you treat us for haemorrhoids? You must be mad if you think we’ll stand for that!
SI Pulls out pistol). You can assume any posture you like, Eric, but you’ll do just as I say! Or I’ll shoot you like the dog you are! So what’s it to be - the potion or the pistol? You can be first if you like, dear cousin. Come on – drop ‘em or I drop you!
CC). No, Eric!
EC). Peter – we must protect the ladies! He can’t shoot us both – get ready!
SI). Very brave – but quite pointless, I assure you. (rings bell for maid).
CC). Why are you doing that? Do you mean to shoot poor Mildred as well?
SI). Ah – well, there’s something you need to know about Mildred.
Enter M, but walking differently and carrying a gun). You rang, sir?
SI). Yes indeed. Please be so good as to shoot any of these people who make a move.
M, pointing gun at nearest person). Certainly sir. Will that be one bullet or two?
SI). What ever you think best.
CC). But – Mildred? I don’t understand…
SI). Sorry, my mistake. I haven’t told you the full story. I actually recovered my memory a year ago. Once I’d decided to have my revenge on you, my first move was to put someone on the inside – to case the joint, as we like to say. I needed to know what had changed since I disappeared. It was easy enough to get one of my pickpocket friends to play the role of Mildred and get a job here.
KG). Then – who is this if it’s not Mildred.
SI). Oh, do forgive my manners. Please let me introduce Donna Nuffin, the daughter of the Don himself – and, incidentally, my new fiancé.
KG) What – no, how could you!
SI). Easily enough, Katerina, since in the first place I had forgotten all about you, and in the second place, I couldn’t trust you! Donna, my dear – let me say what a splendid job you’ve done!
M/DN, in a different accent). That’s OK, Silas me luv. Wearn’t a problem fooling these twits. Must say, though, I’m glad it’s finished. I were getting right tired of the dotty maid act – all this cracked pot top and broken bourbon stuff. So – are we goin’ to shoot ‘em now?
SI). In a moment, dearest. First, I will give the true culprit one more chance to confess and save the others. Come on then, speak up!
During the conversation, PS has picked up the diary and has been looking intently at a page inside. Still reading, he holds up a hand). Hang on – not so fast!
SI). Sorry. Come…on….then….speak…up….
PS). No – I mean, wait a minute. Ambrose – Silas – whoever you are – is this the original formula?
SI, coming over to look). Yes, that’s it.
PS). The one you used to make up that sample?
SI). Yes! What of it.
PS). The one you used on yourself?
SI). After someone had sabotaged it, yes! Why?
PS). Well, then there was no need for anyone to sabotage it at all! This stuff is perfectly capable of having that affect all by itself.
SI). What – no, that’s nonsense!
PS). No – I’m afraid not. Look here – the chemical reaction at this stage would produce a by-product that you haven’t accounted for.
SI). Of course I accounted for it!
PS). You can’t have done! There’s no provision made for removing that by-product, which would be dangerous on its own. And look at here – the relative amount of this ingredient is far too high! It wouldn’t all be catalysed – which means that it would still be present to react with this chemical when it was introduced, and that … hells flaking epidermis!
CC). What is it, Peter?
PS). I’d need to check it in the lab … but I think what you’ve got here, Ambrose, is something very similar to LSD! Only with amnesiac properties, it seems.
SI). No! NO! That’s not true! It can’t be true!
EC). I think it is, Ambrose. Peter may not have had your reputation for brilliance, but he’s a damn good chemist. And do you realise what that means? It means that you’re wasting your time trying to get a confession out of us – because none of us did it!
SI). You did – you all did!
KG). No, my love. You did this to yourself. Peter was right – you should have let him check the formula.
SI). Damn you – damn you, Peter Shingles! Still trying to undermine me, still jealous of my genius!
PS). I assure you …
SI). Shut up! I don’t want to hear it! It’s not true – not true, do you hear! I’m a genius, and my formula’s brilliant and perfect, and once you are all dead or out of your minds, I’ll make my fortune selling this to another company!
EC). And who will you sell it to? No one is going to buy an untried formula from a pickpocket called Silas Iscolden! And Ambrose Carbunkle disappeared five years ago… how are you going to explain all that?
SI). Don’t worry about that! I’ve got it all worked out! I’ll go abroad, change my name again. I’ll approach a company in Europe or America that doesn’t care about what happened five years ago … I’ll start a new life and …
DN). Hang abat, Silas. You ain’t said nuffin to me abhat goin’ abroad!
SI). Not now, Donna. We’ll talk later.
DN). Never mind later, mate! You should ‘ave talked about it before – you ain’t tryin’ to pull a fast one, are yer? ‘Cos yer’ve made promises to me, yer have – and to me old man as well!
SI). To hell with that! Your old man doesn’t even know who I am now – let alone what promises I made!
DN) Ere – what ave’ yer done to Don?
SI). So I might have tried a little of the formula out on him – just to see if it was still good! What of it? Should I share my fame and fortune with some small-time pickpocket – or his daughter? I don’t need him, and I don’t need you! So just drop your gun, Donna, or I’ll …
DN, without waiting for him to finish shoots: SI dies in a suitably theatrical fashion. Screams and shouts all round).
DN). Two timing bastard! He always did talk too much! Serves me right for trustin’ an honest man. (Turns gun towards others). Right, you lot. You can just sit here for a few minutes while I clear orf. Good thing I already packed what was left of the silver – at least it’s not been a total waste of time! I’ll leave him to you!
(DN exits, backwards, keeping others covered as she goes).
KG). Is he…
PS, examining body). Yes, I’m afraid so. Bullet through the heart.
KG). He was mad, wasn’t he.
CC). Yes my dear. Stark, raving, barking bonkers, I’d say. It may have been that formula – but from what we’ve heard tonight, I’d say it started long before that.
PS). Shouldn’t we call the Police?
EC). We probably should. But on the other hand, why bother?
CC). What do you mean Eric?
EC). Ambrose disappeared five years ago. Bringing him back now as a fresh corpse with a bullet in it is just going to create complications for everyone. And I’m sure the Police have better things to do. I think it’s best to let sleeping dogs – or in this case, dead cousins – lie!
CC). I see your point. We don’t want anyone else asking awkward questions about things we didn’t mention five years ago – do we, Katerina? Peter? (All look at each other, general nods of agreement).
EC). Katerina, dear – it’s been a very trying night for you, I know. Perhaps you’d just better go home, have a stiff drink and a good nights sleep. Peter will run you home, I’m sure.
PS). Yes, of course.
EC). I’ll bring your car over tomorrow.
KG). Well – OK then – perhaps you’re right. But what about..?(indicates body).
EC). Don’t worry about that. I’ll dispose of it. Plenty of places to hid a body in this place!
KG). Goodnight then. (Exit with PS).
EC). At last! I thought they’d never go. (Goes over to body, picks up sample of formula from where it was dropped) Ah, here it is. Good old Ambrose! He’s saved the Carbunkle’s after all!
CC). What on earth do you mean, Eric? You heard what Peter said – it’s far too dangerous to use on haemorrhoids!
EC). Of course. But I can think of a lot of ways to make money out of something that removes people’s memories. After all, everyone has things in their past that they’d rather forget: a failed love affair, a miserable holiday…
CC). A mad cousin getting murdered in the lounge?
EC). Exactly! Now you begin see the potential. Of course, it needs a little work. People won’t want to forget who they are. Well, most people. I’ll speak to Peter about that tomorrow. Perhaps he can tweak it a bit.
CC). But – how will we market it?
EC). We’ll need a good slogan. Hmm… how about “Put it all behind you with Carbunkles”?
CC). Perhaps – oh, how about this: “Carbunkles removes the parts that beer can’t reach”?
EC). Maybe. Ah! I think I’ve got it, Cecily! Listen to this…. “Forget all your troubles – but remember - Carbunkles!”
Close curtain.